


Contemporary Epic Poetry

by spuffyduds



Category: Community
Genre: Episode Related, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 18:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spuffyduds/pseuds/spuffyduds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Troy plans on an epic Halloween.  The universe cooperates, but not quite in the way he meant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contemporary Epic Poetry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lauren (notalwaysweak)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/gifts).



> Set in and around the "Epidemiology" episode.
> 
> Though there's nothing going on currently, the story references a possible future Troy/Annie/Abed relationship.
> 
> A million thanks to my beta, who helped so much she is really a co-author.

Last weekend featured the sacking of Troy, which  
Was not all that surprising, since  
Nobody on the football team can block worth shit.  
But this weekend Troy plans to score.  
Plans to score phone numbers and  
Maybe even some action. A return to his  
High-school form.  
He’s been a little off lately.  
He keeps having strange dreams.  
Abed, and a bed  
And Annie in the middle.  
Which wrinkles his brain, although sometimes  
The bed has Transformers sheets, and that’s  
Kind of cool.  
Do they even _make_ Transformers sheets  
For California Kings?

******************************

The library is transformed into the LiScary for the evening.  
But it thinks bitter, bitter thoughts.  
Thinks it must be _less_ scary than usual, tonight.  
For, even draped in discount cobweb, aglow with leering pumpkins  
It is full of more students than it has ever been before.  
For years it's yearned to be helpful,  
Wanted nothing more than to offer up  
Its shelves sagging with VHS tapes  
And CB-radio how-to books from 1974.  
But it was empty and alone.  
The library has grown to hate the students.  
And later, when students run screaming through its corridors,  
When the paperbacks are gore-spattered  
And the microfiche drips with blood,  
The library is glad.

****************************************

Troy’s best-laid plans  
Are not getting him laid.  
Hotties seem immune to his Ripley routine,  
Which now he thinks about it is possibly because  
Ripley is a girl.  
Why is _he_ the girl?  
Or, wait, wasn't the Alien a girl too?  
Maybe this isn’t working  
Because his wingman is a winggirl.  
They probably should  
Have thought this through more.  
And he'd be more likely to progress with the hotties  
If he didn’t keep thinking about Abed kissing one side  
Of Annie’s neck  
And looking up to say, “Join in, friend,”  
While Annie’s stetched out pink and pleased  
With her head on an Optimus Prime pillow.

*****************************************

Annie got the whole lecture from Britta  
About the Riding Hood mythos  
Representing sexual awakening. How on some level  
Red is _inviting_ the wolf.  
Which, duh.  
Annie might not have lived in New York  
But she can figure out that  
“A basket full of treats” isn't about muffins.  
Maybe she’d _like_ to be inviting.  
Maybe she’d like a banana.  
Which...probably isn’t about food either.

*************************************************

The tragedy of Pierce's evening  
Is that he spends the whole of it as Jim Kirk  
And never gets to take his shirt off.

***********************************************

Rumors fly on leathern wings  
Swifter, deadlier than any hell-born bat.  
But whatever you heard, really  
The dean did not plan a costume party  
Just hoping that someone would come as  
A Dalmatian.

Really he planned it  
Just so he could be Lady Gaga.  
Deanship has its perks  
But it offers surprisingly few opportunities  
To show off his excellent legs.

*********************************************  
When the premise turns into a horror movie  
Troy doesn't need Abed to tell him that he's doomed.  
Abed does anyhow, though. He's dependable that way.

Yep, undead bro walking, any minute now.

********************************************  
Chang and Shirley find a magical place  
The tiled bathroom walls echo from the creatures pounding on the door.  
The fluorescent lights buzz and flicker and turn them both faintly green.  
But it's magic, nonetheless.  
A place of people without racism  
A place of people without judgment  
And two minutes and thirty-seven seconds after they shut the door,  
A place of people  
Without underpants.

******************************************

Britta starts out the evening  
With way too much going on in her brain  
Which is typical.  
She wishes sometimes she could be a little less aware.  
That she didn't notice things like  
How extreme a form of "learned helplessness" it is  
To choose a costume that incapacitates her hands.  
To spend the whole evening, by her own choice  
Entirely dependent on Jeff the undependable  
For every morsel of sustenance  
For every drop of drink  
For every cheese doodle.  
It's like she's become a little dragon turtle housewife.  
It's almost a relief, later on  
When teeth sink into her shoulder  
When the pathogen slips into her bloodstream  
When all that's in her brain is braaaaaaains.

*****************************************

For so long he's been trying to convince people  
Of his true identity  
And it turns out he had it wrong.  
When his head races with fever  
When his teeth tear into hot flesh  
"Alex" drops away from him, a dry useless husk  
And Zombie Pirate Starburns is glad.

**********************************************

Jeff's jacket  
Is way too expensive for this bullshit.  
It was part of a suit that cost six thousand dollars.  
It was part of a goddamn _look_  
With Jeff's gel-tousled hair  
And Jeff's artful stubble.  
It was perfectly happy in lawyerdom, but no,  
Jeff had to bring it to _this_ pissant place  
So it could get fatally stretched  
By the shoulders of a burly, homicidal banana.

****************************************

Troy thought to step out of the kingdom of nerds.  
Thought that might be the key to reproduction  
Or at least survival.  
But it's the nerdiest nerd he knows  
Who lifts him to safety,  
Lifts him out of deadbrohood.  
Troy says, "I love you."  
Doesn't even realize he's quoted Leia  
Until Abed Hans back at him.  
This time Troy doesn't mind  
Being the girl.

****************************************

Abed goes down under a wave of zombies,  
Under a flood of teeth.  
He's trying to decide if they're more like  
Classic Romero or 28 Days in speed factor.  
They seem to be somewhere in the middle,  
Which is kind of a cop-out, really.  
It's interesting to note that  
Though he's framing the attack through the director's lens  
Of his mind  
It still hurts.

******************************************

The army scientist who invented the zombie-creating taco meat  
Got a medal.  
Of course it was a super-secret medal  
So he can't tell anybody  
Which takes a lot of the fun out of it.  
Sometimes, though, he locks the door to his house  
And lowers all the blinds,  
Takes the medal out of the box  
And looks at it.  
Sometimes he says, "I made _zombies_! Wow."  
Then he puts it back in the box.

He would rather have gotten a raise.

***********************************************

Troy gets the best of both worlds.  
He gets to be the hero, save the day,  
Turn on the air conditioning.  
Cool. Coolcoolcool.  
And then he gets to be part of the mindless horde,  
Shuffling along with his best buddy,  
Perfectly in synch.  
It's too bad he can't remember either, afterward.  
But he does have this feeling  
When he wakes up with a bandage on his neck  
That maybe he needs to seize the damn day.

Well, right now, what he needs is a little Marmaduke.  
But after that--the next time Pierce is out being a Laser Lotus  
Maybe Troy will have a couple of his best friends come visit.  
Maybe they'll take over  
Pierce's giant bed.

The sheets are plain black  
But, hey, it's a waterbed.  
Somehow, Troy's ready to admit  
He'd like to see his two best friends  
Riding the waves.

*******************************************

The flying cat  
Still lives in the library basement  
Happily eating the headless mice.

*****************************************


End file.
